


I feel like I could win or lose it all

by towardstheair



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-21
Updated: 2010-06-21
Packaged: 2017-10-21 08:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair





	I feel like I could win or lose it all

“You know what Adam? _Fuck you!”_

  
Kris does _not_ curse. Even when he is blind angry, even when he hears someone murmur “fag” under their breath as he and Adam walk by. He usually has a quiet anger, he goes silent and needs to be alone. But Adam hasn't seen Kris like this before, he looks wrecked and out of control.

  
“I wish you'd tell me exactly what your problem is.” Adam is pissed off himself. They have about three nights together like this in a month and he hadn't planned on spending it like this.

  
“You know what my problem is and don't fucking act like you don't.”

  
“I _really_ don't. I can't figure out why you have been like this all night. We finally manage to be in the same city together in god knows how long and you're acting like this? I don't understand, so why don't you explain to me what has got you so pissed off with me!”

  
“ _Exactly!_ We! _You_ and _me_ are in the same city together. Did I drag my band along and practically make out with one of them over dinner? No I did _not_.”

  
Adam has seen Kris jealous only one other time; the night he had seen Kris backstage after the AMA performance. He knew as soon as the kiss was over he would have hell to pay, grovelling and apologising to do. But Kris, being Kris avoided him for the rest of the night. For the rest of the month.

  
“This is about Tommy? Are you fucking kidding me, Kris?”

  
“Do you have any idea how it felt for me to sit there and watch him all over you like that?”

  
“I think I _might_ have an idea actually. I've spent the last year of my life watching you and your _wife_. How do you think that makes me feel?

  
Kris is slamming doors, throwing his bag into the corner, aggressively taking off his jacket, anything to try and release his anger without hurling it all at Adam, the one person he wants to direct it at.

  
“Is that what this about? Some little way of you getting payback? I've explained this to you Adam. You know how hard this is for me...”

  
“Save me the story, Kris. I've heard it all before and its getting pretty fucking boring.”

  
Kris stops his pacing and for a moment Adam thinks Kris is going to charge at him. In some ways Adam wouldn't blame him if he did. He's being insensitive and there may have been a slight part of him that wanted Kris to see that tonight. To see that someone could want him without it being fucked up and complicated.

  
Kris hesitates. “Is that how you feel?” His voice is quieter now but still just as harsh. “Is this all a bit too boring for you now?”

  
“You know that's not how I feel.”

  
“Then what was that tonight?”

  
“That was _nothing_. Tommy and I are friends.”

  
Kris steps closer, his face looks twisted and Adam can barely recognise the person looking at him. “The way you and I are friends?”

  
“Right...” Adam nods. “I get it now. So _you_ think that I just fuck any willing supposedly straight guy I can find is that it?”

  
Kris shrugs. “I don't know, maybe. Maybe you're looking to get yourself a reputation...”

  
“Okay. You know what? _Fuck you, Kris._ I'm going to go and get some air and then come back in like half hour. You're mad right now and so am I and I don't want to say anything else that I might regret.”

  
“Do whatever you want.” Kris turns and pulls open the mini-bar furiously.

  
“You know of all the things...” Adam stops before shutting the door. “I never thought _you_ would think that of me.”

–

Adam doesn't go back until after an hour. He spends half hour feeling sorry for himself over a glass of JD and coke, and then the other hour hanging around out of spite. It at least tells him he is still too mad to go back yet.

  
He is mostly mad at himself for being in this whole situation to begin with. If someone would have told him this would happen when he first met Kris Allen, he never would have believed them. There is a huge difference between finding someone cute and ending up in one of the most complicated relationships of all time. Even he had boundaries, you do not fool around with a married man.

  
The trouble was whatever happened with he and Kris Adam always knew the feelings were always stronger than just _fooling around_. For Kris perhaps it was easier to deny at first but even him, he eventually broke and admitted it to himself. There was always a constant need for them to be around each other. Adam felt it like hunger and thirst and he didn't know what to do with that. So they coped. They managed getting by with what they had.

  
Which is how they ended up here. Screaming and yelling at 2am.

  
Adam doesn't want this anymore. He can't do it anymore. It's getting harder and harder every time they are apart. He can see the pain in Kris's eyes when they have to walk away from one another because its right there reflected in his own and he can't stand it.

  
He owes Tommy a huge apology. He was too full on; he can see himself laughing and touching Tommy ignoring the looks from Kris, pushing him further and further to see how long it takes until he breaks. When the fuck did he become that person? He doesn't want to hurt Kris. He doesn't want to use his friends in some kind of sick and twisted way to make Kris jealous.

  
He feels like he can't love Kris without it ruining the both of them.

  
Kris won't ever walk away from him. Adam knows that. He will always take what Adam's offers him. Adam needs to stop giving him the option. He needs to just take it away.

–

The room is quiet and dimly lit by the lamp at the side of the bed. Kris is sitting in the chair in the corner, guitar in his hands and strumming softly. It's fascinating to look at Kris when he thinks no one is watching him. Kris has a tendency to bite his bottom lip and watch his fingers with such an intensity.

  
The song isn't familiar and Adam knows this is how Kris works through everything. How he makes sense of things he can't understand, how he breaks everything down and pieces it all back together. Music is Kris's therapy.

  
Adam throws the room key onto the side and takes off his jacket. The gentle strumming stops and he knows Kris will be watching him, waiting on what to do, judging what to say based on how Adam acts.

  
Adam sits down at the edge of the bed, his reflection looks back at him in the mirror. He looks tired and resigned. “I can't do this anymore, Kris.”

  
He needs to just say it. If he doesn't look at Kris he get this all out and really mean it. “I love you but... I can't keep hurting you. Maybe we took this as far it will go.”

  
Kris is still silent, too silent. Perhaps he is just as resigned as Adam, maybe he knows this is the only option they have left. Adam can't stand to look at himself anymore, his hands rub across his face, smearing any remaining eye make-up he has on and he leans forward, staring into the darkness of his palms.

  
Adam can hear the sound of the chair creaking, Kris putting his guitar down and stepping quietly across the room. The coward in him hopes that Kris is just going to pack everything away and walk out the room. It sure would be easier than having to look at Kris's face and watch him walk away.

  
Two warm hands press against his and pull them away from his face. When Adam looks up Kris is staring down at him, the anger clearly gone. His eyes look red and puffy, he has been crying and it's Adam's fault and why wasn't he here to kiss all the tears away?

  
Kris steps closer and Adam instinctively lets him stand between his legs. “I called Katy.”

  
He has heard Kris say that a thousand times before, but only in his dreams has he heard it with the meaning Kris is saying with right now.

  
“You're right. We can't do this anymore. We can't do what we have been doing because it isn't working.”

  
Kris hands move up Adam's arms and rest on his shoulders for a brief moment before he threads them in Adam's hair, clinging on and forcing Adam to keep looking at him. “When are you going to understand that I can't be without you? It's taken me too long... this _isn't_ over. I'm not letting you end this when I can fix this.”

  
Adam's hands move of their own accord, pulling Kris's body nearer and his face lands against Kris's chest. Kris sinks down to his knees and Adam is looking down at him, forced by Kris gently tugging on his hair. “I'm sorry.”

  
Kris moves before Adam can say anything. He feels Kris pressing small, frantic kisses across his face, clutching onto his hair before finally finding Adam's lips and pressing them together, determined and desperate. Adam gives Kris what he wants, because he always will anyway. No matter what Kris had said if there had been the slightest hint of Kris putting up a fight to keep Adam here he would have stayed. He is so weak when it comes to Kris and he knows it.

  
“Do you mean it?” Adam mumbles between kisses, between pulling off Kris's shirt.

  
“Yes. I told Katy. I told her... I told her everything.”

  
There's a relief in Kris's voice that Adam hadn't ever imagined would be there in this moment. He can sense the weight that has lifted from Kris, can feel the eagerness for this to be happening. Adam feels like he is the one who has just confessed to cheating because Kris is all happy, light and straddling him. Still persistently kissing across Adam's neck and he has to pull away for a moment just to look at him. Just to see if he understands the gravity of this moment.

  
“Kris...”

  
Kris smiles slightly and everything slows down. Kris leans in and shuts his eyes, resting his head against Adam's. “I know... I know.”

  
Adam doesn't know how long they stay like that, their breaths mingling and growing quieter as time ticks by. But there's an air of calm around them all of a sudden. A dark shadow lifted from over their heads. It feels like a beginning, like coming home.


End file.
